If I were to reflect on my 2023, I’d say what I often say to my Freshmen when they turn in an in-class essay five minutes after receiving it: What happened?
I think I wound up flying by the seat of my pants for most of 2023 as my way of trying to adapt to change. First, our schedules were constantly in flux when Calvin went through EMT school and later began working on an ambulance. I tried to balance work with volunteering and cooking (somewhat) balanced meals, learned that I am useless without a grocery list, and ordered from Instacart more than a few times…
We also adopted Liam the cat, who is everything good and chaotic in the world all rolled into one food-motivated cat. We didn’t sleep for about a month after we got him, but he’s definitely (mostly) calmed down now.
2023 was full of a lot of good new things, but I was reminded again and again that I am slowwww to adjust to new.
There was also an element of figuring out what to do with my grief that made the experience of 2023 a little different. I was still carrying the sadness of losing a dear friend the previous year, but nothing prepared me to face more of it when two more friends went to be with the Lord.
There was also the grief of my ongoing health struggles, which I won’t share, but I will say that I reached a bit of a breaking point.
In the spring, I was present during a traumatic medical incident at work, the unfolding of which I honestly didn’t think would affect me much. Little did I know that I would anxiously avoid looking at the parking space where it happened for months. (As a side note, my work did provide me with free counseling following the incident, and I am extremely grateful for that.)
I worried about health changes for my mom.
I worried I’d never be able to sing again when a respiratory virus stuck around for over two months.
Let’s just say that I spent a lot of time just worried.
So yeah, I was frazzled for lots of 2023, and I don’t think I handled all the changes very well. To an outsider, the only place I excelled was in the gym where I went from having the mobility of an 80 year old to being an 80 year old who is kind of able to squat now.
Was 2023 a waste? Was it a flop year? I asked myself this as the year wound down, and I think I have an answer.
Carrots
In 2019 and 2020, I was fully in my gardening phase. The thrill of watching something go from a seed in the back of the junk drawer to something I could actually eat taught me so many beautiful lessons about faith and waiting on the Lord. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was one that only resonated with me recently–and that is the idea that slow, imperceptible growth is still growth.
In the season of daily getting my hands in the dirt, carrots were the most annoying crop to grow because I didn’t have a constant visual on them like I had with the broccoli and peas. Sure, there was a ballpark estimate for when they’d be done, but you had to be careful not to get ahead of yourself and uproot what was still developing beneath the soil.
And I think sanctification, the process of Holy-Spirit directed, godly growth, is a bit like growing carrots. If we are to have faith that God can shape us into the likeness of Jesus, then we can’t dig up the crop in haste. Our timelines are superfluous when it comes to the things of God.
Grace and goals and the God who does not give up on us
I didn’t *become* who I thought I would in 2023. I didn’t dramatically improve my guitar skills, and I didn’t perfect my strict pull-up in the gym. I didn’t achieve my goal of reading my Bible every single morning (though a few podcasts did help me to keep the scriptures in my ears all year). And I worried a lot.
My all-or-nothing part of my brain says it’s a waste if I didn’t get it all right, why try again? And yet, the grace of God is always greater when I come up short.
And even though I may not have met all of my external, measurable goals, I know that ever-faithful Jesus had good in store and still changed me in 2023:
- After seeing Him come through in ways I didn’t know He ever would this year, I know that I trust Him more, specifically in His ability to provide!
- I’ve learned that time spent earnestly talking to God in the middle of the night is sometimes better than checking 15 minutes of Bible reading off my morning to-do’s.
- I’ve learned how to be vulnerable and bring Him my grief, even if I can only sit at His feet and weep.
- I’ve learned that it is incredibly healthy to push myself beyond my limits—such as showing up to gym classes (still scary, but still doing it scared) and running the Wharf to Wharf with my amazing MIL.
- I’ve learned that the church, the body of Christ, is truly a gift that Christ wants us to receive and accept, and to also choose to be part of. We are stronger together. I am stronger when I seek the help I need.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and rich in steadfast love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6). He has good plans for us, but that doesn’t mean that his plans are always going to line up with our plans. He is the God who does not despise the day of small things (Zechariah 4:10). I think the adventure of learning to follow Jesus is not that we would try to twist his arm into following the map we’ve drawn, but instead following Him so far away from the shore that we have no choice but to trust that He’s leading us to a new country instead of the open sea. Trust is the key word there. I’m still praying about my word for the year (the last two were Peace), so maybe this year will be Trust.
I think He wants us to dream big and pray big, crazy prayers that seem so out of reach that only God could make them possible.
That’s what I plan to do in 2024.
Cheers to a grace-filled year of walking with Jesus, the very good and capable carrot farmer.
-Kayley
Also! If you want to listen to the podcasts I’m using to supplement my Bible reading, you can find them here!
Let’s Read the Gospels by Annie F. Downs
Lisa Harper’s Back Porch Theology
Daily Audio Bible with Brian Hardin
Kayley Chartier 