Uncategorized – Page 3 – Kayley Chartier

January:

I like the idea of recapping the months because my brain is like the bottom of my purse and if I don’t clean it out every so often, I’m going to forget the something important buried at the bottom. (Most of the time it’s mints!)

January started out stormy. We were supposed to have a night out for NYE but spent it half asleep on the couch due to excessive rain. A week later, we were celebrating our first anniversary!

I will probably write all of my thoughts about that another time since I cannot seem to gather them (it’s always hardest to write about the people we love the most) but I will say that watching your wedding slideshow with your year-old frozen cake in one hand and your beloved’s hand in the other is a great way to end up joyful and tearful at only ten o’clock in the morning. We went on a little run around the Nisene forest during a break in the rain and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was such a gift.

Speaking of gifts, Calvin got me a sweetest, most chaotic present I think anyone has ever been given! Two mornings before our anniversary, he ran out to the car at 6am to retrieve what he said was part one of my present and insisted that I open it. It was a cat harness! His plan was to begin the search for a cat right after I got off from work that day. While that didn’t end up happening until the next day, it was still so sweet and exciting that I had trouble focusing at work! His present totally beat the tent I got him.

Anyway, that’s how we ended up with Liam. Sweet, chaotic, funny little Liam. His full name is actually Liam Neeson, which I am now seeing as prophetic, seeing how all of my food and Calvin’s ends up Taken if we’re not guarding it. He’s a troublemaker and he wakes me up a lot at night, but at least he’s very cute.

And as January gives way to February, I feel like my life is becoming different and completely new (or maybe it’s just the lack of sleep. Thanks, Liam!). In two weeks, Calvin will begin training to be an EMT and with him gone at night, I will have my first taste of what it’s like to be a firefighter’s wife.

Oh yeah—Calvin wants to be a firefighter now!

I have had trouble with sleeping since I was a kid. I am prone to bad dreams and night terrors and I rarely sleep well alone. When I was younger and living at home, I began playing Christian music radio while I slept so that my anxious mind would be filled with good things if and when I woke in the night. I guess I could do that, but I’d rather just not have the sleep anxiety to begin with.

The thought of sleeping alone again is something I am continually laying at Jesus’ feet because frankly, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. Firefighters typically work for two days and are off for four, but even one night alone is hard for me. I guess that is why the Scriptures are so full of assurances of God’s strength when we are weak:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me*.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

“The Lord is my strength* and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.” (Exodus 15:2)

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength*; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

*emphasis mine

I guess what I’m learning is that hard situations like this are to be embraced, not feared, because they reveal the important reality that I am not strong. He is. I love the truth of Isaiah 40:31 because it reminds me that the strength comes from waiting on the Lord. He is able to make me into anything he wants me to be, but it is not up to me to muster up my strength on my own.

I guess what I’m learning is that hard situations like this are to be embraced, not feared, because they reveal the important reality that I am not strong.
Kayley Chartier

New marriage becoming older and sweeter by the day, new cat, new job, new month, same God. Same promises in His word to abide in me as I abide in Him. He is walking with me ( and you!) into February like a close friend we need only call to.

One more thing! This month I started reading through the Gospels using the Annie F. Downs reading plan (you can find it here, or tune in on her podcast, Let’s Read the Gospels) and it has been such a blessing to me. Waking up each morning knowing that I would be hearing about the life of Jesus and the teachings of Jesus and the heart of Jesus filled me with joy and peace in a season where the 4 hours of sleep and the cat litter once-again spilled threatened to steal it. I hope you’ll join me in February! If you do, leave a comment and let me know so I can be praying for you!

Love,

Kayley

A Blanket of Snow

When I was small, my Nana sometimes watched me for my mom when she was still working in the makeup world. Life was magic when we were together because Nana held her own special kind of magic. A talented artist, she could draw or paint anything I asked with perfect accuracy (she still can). If I asked for a story, she could weave one together on the spot and go on for hours. Nana liked to put me down for my nap listening to a French language tape so I would one day wake up fluent, or at least able to say, “Je suis fatigue, grand-mère.”

But her favorite thing to do was teach me poems. And she knew hundreds of them by heart. My favorite was one about the changing of the seasons:

“Come, little leaves,” said the wind one day,
“Come o’er the meadows with me and play;
Put on your dresses of red and gold,
For summer is gone and the days grow cold.”

Soon as the leaves heard the wind’s loud call,
Down they came fluttering, one and all;
Over the brown fields they danced and flew,
singing the glad little songs they knew.

“Cricket, goodbye, we’ve been friends so long;
Little brook, sing us your farewell song;
Say you are sorry to see us go;
Ah, you will miss us, right well we know.

“Dear little lambs in your fleecy fold,
Mother will keep you from harm and cold;
fondly we watched you in vale and glade;
Say, will you dream of our loving shade?”

Dancing and whirling, the little leaves went;
Winter had called them, and they were content;
soon, fast asleep in their earthy beds,
The snow laid a coverlid over their heads.

(“Come Little Leaves” by George Cooper)

A few of the lines are different than I remember them, but the image of leaves being tucked in, just like Nana would swaddle me in her lap, has stuck with me for years. We learned dozens of poems but this one in particular gave me comfort whenever I missed her. I loved the idea of the leaves at rest, contently sleeping in the snow which ultimately signaled the end of their season.

Rest. Contentment. Sleep. I associate these words with the Christmas and New Year’s season, but how seldom I actually obtain them. For teachers, Christmas break is like a far-off lighthouse we seek in the fog and grog of the late Autumn months. Sleepy midnight grading sessions give way to sleepy mornings, and evening (4:45pm where I live) creeps in so early, it’s tempting to go to bed before dinner.

I admit that I have sought Christmas break as my sole opportunity for rest, especially this year. I have been restless in body and soul, so in need of a good hug from Nana and maybe a nap to a French phrases tape.

Rest, I think, is somewhat connected to the concept of contentment. All December, until my last grade is submitted, I find myself talking about how everything will be okay when—fill in the blank with “when break starts” or “when I can sleep in later than 6:00.” My rest, my contentment, becomes dependent on how much work I have to do on the weekend, or how much sleep I’m getting. Pretty unsustainable, right?

But scripture offers a better way.

Take one of Paul’s many stints in a Roman prison where he boasted of his contentment, for example:

“I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4:10-13

I often think of Paul as some sort of superhuman, but in the same way that I have all the same hours in the day as Beyoncé (I saw that on a mug once) we have all the same tools Paul had to work with. Roman prisons weren’t cushy places. They were cold and dark, and your only hope of food or care was for someone in the outside world to remember you. There were plenty of reasons to complain. I’m sure Paul felt them just as we all would. But the deep truth lodged in his heart kept him from wavering from the truth that even in prison, he was still held by the hand of a very present God. This truth did not make the drafty prison any warmer or his situation any less deadly, but the knowledge of a heavenly world beyond the prison walls did keep his heart secure.

So, how do we learn to rest in that same knowledge? For me, repetition is helpful. It’s why a handwritten Psalm 40 is taped beside my bathroom mirror. On days when I feel like I can’t grade one more essay or manage one more headache, my heart and mind need to say with the Psalmist,

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40:1-3

I started attempting to memorize this Psalm last month when waves of anxiety and migraine pain were unwelcome but constant companions. I woke at 3am one night, tangled in my covers and afraid. The Bible app on my phone shone brightly as I searched the concordance for verses. Psalm 40 was on my screen and tears filled my eyes. Suddenly, a song I learned in my college choir came into my head:

I waited for the Lord. He inclined unto me. He heard my complaint. He heard my complaint. (Here’s a link if you want to listen to it.)

Mendelssohn’s emotional hymn which captured my heart 7 years ago once again rang through my heart, burying my anxious thoughts like leaves tucked soundlessly beneath a blanket of snow. God hears me. He has a plan for me. A plan to one day take me home to be with him forever. It’s why he came to earth at great personal cost–really, the greatest cost of all, because he heard humanity’s cry and responded.

Victory in the Christian life cannot be measured by any level of comfort or success simply because by those standards, Jesus lost. Born to poor parents and crucified like a criminal, Jesus was the poster child for contentment in unfavorable and immovable circumstances. Scripture tells us that he persevered, not through a change in circumstances, but by remembering “the joy set before him” (Hebrews 12:2).

Brokenness is a reality of this world. But the God who restores is still present in it. He is not afraid. He is not surprised. A professor whose lecture I recently watched at a conference reminded me that God is not passive to evil in the world, but actively fighting it–the chief piece of evidence being the Cross, which cost him everything.

That God, not our circumstances, is where we find deep rest.
That God, who bends down to listen when we pray (Psalm 116:2) is a safe harbor, our lighthouse in the darkness and the chill.
He is our covering of snow, and we can rest in Him in every season.

Hello, Old Friend

Well… So much for blogging each month! The last time I was on here, I was TWO DAYS away from being engaged. July 2021! Remember how I was very sick and Calvin took care of me? Well, turns out that he had ulterior motives… namely, to propose to me.

Basically, Calvin told me that if I was better by the end of the week, we could do something fun. Not one to ~~take any illness of mine seriously~~ miss out, I did everything I could to recover from what I have much reason to believe was that blasted Delta variant of old ‘Rona.

I ran each afternoon to get the phlegm out of my lungs, but I could only last for 5 minutes before my leaden legs gave out. I drank all the tea and slept on the couch all week. My taste was gone. My smell was gone. I honestly think it was the sickest I have ever been. The day we got engaged, I was wearing the same gray t-shirt for, I think, the third day in a row. My hair was three days unwashed, too. Ick.

I had the sneaking suspicion that we were going to get engaged that morning, but I quickly wrote it off. Calvin wouldn’t propose to me after I had been sick! Oh, but he would–and looking back, I know it was probably the only way I was going to be surprised.

And yet, none of that mattered when we were standing at the top of Moon Rocks, one of our favorite hiking spots, staring into each others eyes with the word “finally” on our lips. We were really doing this!

It’s been a whirwind in the best way. Three days after our engagement, I began my new job teaching High school English at my Alma Mater. I moved in with my two dear friends, Nick and Christina and got to live with them for a few months. Then I moved into our first studio in November (Calvin moved in after the wedding) and we were married in January!

Let me tell you: we cried like babies the entire day.

Some dear family friends generously gifted us a honeymoon trip to Kauai.

In everything, there have been trials, but as always, the Lord has shown himself to be so faithful and present. I have seen his goodness in new ways, his mercy flowing throughout to revive me in areas I didn’t even know were dead.

I could say much more about this almost-first year of marriage, but I will summarize it with the verse that has been mine and Calvin’s anchor since day one of our relationship:

“Seek first the Kingdom of God and HIs righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

That was one of the first songs I learned on guitar, but the Hayley Westenra version since my hardcore My Jonie Mitchel phase wouldn’t pick up until halfway through college. I’ve always loved how Hayley’s voice and Jonie’s words communicate the sentimental sweetness and sadness of getting older and living life, passing from stage to stage and realizing that we know less than we thought.

June was sort of a clouds month where everything was not as I expected it. It included my recovery from the end of school, a solid week of purging my childhood room, a trip to Texas with Calvin’s friends and family, and most excitingly, my little sister’s engagement.

Starting with my room purge, which was technically at the very end of May, I didn’t realize how much stuff I had accumulated over the last 21 years of living in the same room. I’ve gone through it before, of course, but I couldn’t remember that last time I really purged. Calvin helped me a lot in this area. My problem with purging is that I usually start well, but then end up finding some letter from a 4th grade crush, or an old mitten I had been missing, or an 1800s book on Christmas pageants for children and suddenly I am completely engrossed and obsessing over that thing and don’t want to work anymore. Starting the summer with a clean(er) slate was refreshing, even if the giving up of a few sentimental things was hard. As Calvin reminded me, what I’m really sentimental about is the memories, not the material triggers for those memories. “And,” he said diplomatically after convincing me that I probably won’t be going to any Abba cover converts anytime soon, “You can always take a picture.”

Here we have a modified shirt from an Abba Cover band concert some friends and I went to. We were shamelessly sparkly.

Wouldn’t you know it, he’d be regretting those words a few weeks later when I was taking pictures like my life depended on it Texas. We flew out on a Friday, held hands and leaned out the window for the four hours, excited and nervous (that was me) about all the fun and newness waiting there. Calvin hadn’t seen most of his family in 18 months, and I hadn’t seen them ever, so the trip was a big deal.

We attended a wedding, shopped at Buckee’s, had drinks at the hotel, visited George H.W. Bush’s memorial… but I think my favorite moments were spent in the pool, swimming and laughing (and burning) and just hanging out.

Texas was everything California is not in some really wonderful ways. I had never eaten brisket at a gas station, much less good brisket from the country’s largest and cleanest gas station (I ❤ u Buckee’s), and I had certainly never seen a place so incredibly flat. Calvin got to hear a little too much of that (“It’s so flat!”) as I was probably channeling all of my meet-the-family anxieties into commentary about the landscape.

Speaking of that, I don’t even know why I was so worried. I told Calvin the experience was a little like meeting celebrities. You’ve seen these people in photos and videos, and you know lots of stories about them, but you don’t really know how tall they are in real life or whether they’ll think your jokes are funny. The great thing about the family of Christ is that, hopefully there’s some grace for nervousness and awkwardness, and as long as you’re not a serial killer or something, they probably won’t object to you dating their son too much.

In all seriousness, though, they were wonderful and I love them so much. It’s always a special thing when you meet someone’s parents and see the similarities: the green in their mother’s eye’s and the music in their father’s laugh. I got choked up the last night of the trip because I hate goodbyes, but quickly realized that this experience was not like making a friend at summer camp. I’d see them again!

And I did! But not before my 25th birthday and Bible-themed birthday party! Then before I knew it, we were traveling again—this time to San Clemente and San Diego. There I met more family—aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. I was shown even more kindness and generosity and warmth, and I probably ate my weight in TJ’s chocolate cat cookies. That’s never a bad thing in my book.

And then, as if we hadn’t taken enough trips this summer, the product of my scheming… Disney!

A week or so before the school year ended, I decided to ~~harass~~ call Calvin at 7:00am to pick his brain on the idea of going to Disneyland in a message that went something like, “HEY, are you awake? Also, do you want to do something kind of insane? Like go to Disneyland at 25% capacity? Like go to Disneyland this summer?” I was not exactly stable that week and I’m still a little surprised I pulled off my bid. Within the hour, myself, Calvin, my sister and her fiancé, Calvin’s brother, and his girlfriend were all signed up to go. A few months later and we were there on my hair-brained excursion, soaking in all the Disney goodness.

Gadget’s Go-Coaster, #3 best ride in the park.

Getting on the new Star Wars ride twice was pretty fantastic, but the ride that stood out to me the most was a small one tucked so far back into the park that I had basically forgotten about it.

Two hours before the park closed, I asked Calvin if we could veer off for a bit. Our group had been doing great staying together and finding the shortest wait times for rides that we had conquered all the greats: Space, Splash, Big Thunder, and Matterhorn mountains. But what we hadn’t done was what I had been describing all day as, “the princess thing.” Basically, I wanted to be 8 and walk through Fantasyland, but I wasn’t going to subject the whole group to it. Calvin quickly obliged and sent the others on their way to ride Pirates a second time, and we headed off toward the pink castle. After searching and failing to find a short wait-time, we stumbled into Toontown 20 minutes before closing and queue’d up for “Gadget’s Go-Coaster.”

“I’m sorry about this,” I said, gesturing at the tiny coaster. A mom and three kids under 6 were hustling into the ride loading-station in front of us. “It’s not the best ride here.”

“What are you talking about?” he laughed, “Everyone knows that there are three great rides in Disneyland: Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, and Gadget’s Go-Coaster.” Man, I knew I loved him.

I sit here happily reminiscing on all of this with maybe a cold, maybe COVID, maybe that scary Delta variant… I don’t know. I’ve been out of commission for the last three days and at this point I don’t care what it is, I just want to smell again. Calvin had already been sick with this the week before and so, after getting off from working two jobs on Monday, he came to my house to watch movies and help me bring my fever down. Even this morning as I sat on the bed, crying from the aches and pains that just would not stop, he held me, prayed for my healing out loud, then went and ran me a shower. God has really blessed me with this man and I’ll love him forever.

Five movies in, totally wiped, can’t smell a thing, but at least my nurse is cute.

And now, everything changes. In a couple of weeks I will stand in front of a new group of students in a new school and I’ll move into a new house. But Summer has been so rich and I’m reminded in fresh ways that the God of the harvest will be faithful in the Fall and the Winter, too, no matter what clouds come my way.